Bad Advice 3

Here at Bad Advice, we tackle hard hitting issues...and we do it THUSLY:

Dear Cagney,

I've been in a great relationship for the last three years. We've had our ups and downs, but recently a huge problem has come up. My girlfriend cannot understand my obession with the Pink Power Ranger. I mean, its not wierd that I've been a paying member of the fan club since 1992. I think that it was the shrine that put her over the edge though. I mean really, what's the excuse for her to trash a couple of pictures in a fit of rage. Obviously it's only jealousy!! Can't she see how important she(the Pink Ranger) is to me?? My girlfriend even told me that I couldn't go to the next "Power Rangers on Ice" show at the Spectrum, something about that restraining order I got last year. But can you blame a grown man, I just wanted a hug from the Pink Goddess. I didn't know that you couldn't run on the ice. Whatever, she's mine and no one else can have her. Or I'll kill them.....oh, wait never mind that last comment. Sorry about that tangent. What should I do Cags? I love my lady, but come on---the Pink Ranger--there's no comparison. I hope you can help.

-Morphin Time in PA

Fear not my friend, you are not alone in suffering this phenomenon. I too was born with Pink Ranger Syndrome, or as we in my profession call it; Kimberlosis. You have to understand that what you're going through is not a disease, not an ailment, but a natural part of our individual human growth.

Obviously not everyone has Kimberlosis. Sometimes those people will peg you as an outcast because of your lifestyle. They will tell you it's a choice. We know better though don't we? We know that we were born this way and we know what will make us happy.

My suggestion for you in regards to your girlfriend is be completely open with everything you know and feel in your heart to be true. Being the spouse of a "Pinkie" is no easy task, but hopefully with your support and her understanding, you can live a long a fruitful life together. Pterodactyl!!!!

Hope that helped.

See? What did I tell you? This is hard-hitting stuff!

Dear Cagney,

I have this itchy sensation on my testicles but I don't know what it is or what to do about it. Please help.

-Itchy in Philadelphia


Itching near your Thunder Down Under can only mean one thing: Fleas. Yes, that's right, you've got yourself a case of fleas. My best guess is that you got them from your pet, so here are some helpful tips on Flea Prevention and Removal:

1. Vacuum all carpets and furniture at least twice a week, even before you spot a flea. Physical removal of the eggs, larvae and adult insects is the safest way to keep flea populations under control.

2. Pay special attention to high-traffic areas, such as stairs and those places where your pet spends a lot of time - for example, next to the bed or under a favorite chair.

3. Empty, dispose of, or seal off the vacuum bag every time you vacuum. Adult fleas can easily crawl back out.

4. Wash area rugs and floor mats regularly with hot water or in the washing machine. Dry each thoroughly to avoid creating a perfectly humid breeding ground for the prolific bugs.

5. Make your own flea remedy by mixing 3 c. diatomaceous earth (DE) for every 1/2 c. boric acid. Sprinkle the powder lightly, yet thoroughly over carpet, under beds and in closets while wearing a safety mask to avoid inhaling the dust. With a broom, work the granules deeply into the carpet. Vacuum after two days.

6. Try an alternative recipe using eight parts Borax cleaning powder to one part table salt. Follow the above procedure, except you should vacuum after one week. These powders work by drying out the fleas' habitat and dehydrating both the larvae and adults.

7. Sprinkle DE in pet runs and shady areas in the yard where pets frequent to keep outdoor populations down. Fleas can only survive in moist, shady areas, so there is no need to apply the powder in places hit by direct sunlight.

8. Introduce the beneficial nematode Steinernema carpocapsa to your yard by using a spray available for purchase at your garden store or online. These tiny parasitic worms feed on and destroy flea larvae. Again spray only in shady areas. Reapply if further infestation occurs.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney,

I'm in quite the pickle. I have a wedding to attend this summer, but I'm still carrying around about 15 extra pounds of "barley and hops" from the 4 year extravaganza called the 'Bulldog Express'. I need a quick fix to lose some weight, because we all know that the ladies love a lean, mean fighting machine....and not a tubby lardass. I have a personal trainer, I gave up drinking, and have scaled down to soy noodles and green tea. I need fast results. How do I go from Chris Farley to Matthew McConaughey....quickly.

-Hefty in Harrisburg (formerly Jolly in Johnstown, Man-tits in Media, and Super Sized in Center Valley)

So it's fast results you want eh? Ok, here's what you need to do: Go on a strict diet of cocaine and water, regular water not 50 Cent's Vitamin Water. Next, wrap yourself in a trash bag and do sprints up and down your attic steps. After that, sit in the attic for days. By that time you should be aware that you are Ares, the god of war, and to keep balance in the timestream you must kill Matthew McConaughey. After that, kill Matthew McConaughey.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cag,

I'm still relatively young, so now that my first friend is getting married, it's considered a huge deal. I've been to weddings before, gotten sloppy drunk and had a grand old time, but now that my friend is the bride, do I have to act like a "grownup"? Will my decision to get so drunk i run around with my dress over my head and puke on a groomsman be considered inappropriate? Must I refrain from making lewd and bawdy toasts? Should i not mention the lesbian experience the bride and i shared while talking into the videocamera? Please advise me on the grownup approach to the upcoming Nebraskan Nuptials.

-Don't Wanna Grow Up


I think you're missing one key factor in your query. You see, you're going to a wedding in Nebraska, acting grown-up is the least of your worries. You'll be lucky if the hotel you're staying at has running water and your room isn't already occupied by a chicken...or several chickens.

But I digress...

You're asking a question about acting grown up to a guy who suffers from a severe Peter Pan complex. You see DWGU, I don't wanna grow up either. I'm a Toys 'R Us kid too. You don't need to be stuffy and proper to be a grown up. Am I any less 26 if I plan on doing body shots with bridesmaids at the reception bar? No. Does it make me immature that I think if I'm not shamelessly making out at my table I will consider the entire wedding a complete waste of my time? Hardly. Would anyone call me childish because I have a choreographed "Underwear Dance" that I plan on debuting at my niece's Christening but perfecting on the country club dancefloor at my brother's wedding? I would sincerely hope not.

My point is this...actually I forgot my point, I'm watching Captain Planet.

Hope that helped.