Bad Advice 7

Dear Cagney,

So I stopped doing my laundry and decided to live like a hobo trecking across country on the rails for a few days. I abandoned all hope for underwear like the unbreakable Cagney Brennan. Despite some of the expected chaffing I realized that no matter how hard I shake I end up walking out of the bathroom with a lil drip on my pants...at first I tried to mask it by saying the sink sprayed me or I dried my hands by waving them around and it backfired, or I was a little excited by the waitress on the way back to my table, but people caught on as the days progressed. So now here I am trying to free myself from the restrictions that bind me, whilst all the while not trying to look like I just came out of a peep show. What do i do, what do i do...

-Stained in PA

It's no secret that I stopped wearing underwear in the seventh grade. Sure, there have been times when I've put it on; doctor's visits, playing Ultimate Frisbee (DeSales Intermural Champs 2003), or that time I gave free massages at the convent. So yes, I am familiar with the predicament you find yourself in. The key here is deciding you really want to go down this road. While the benefits of having huge balls, an increased sperm count and a sense complete freedom at all times may seem like too much to pass up, I assure you, life without underwear is a Herculean undertaking.

First, you have to know that if you have a group of male friends, they will stop at nothing to pants you in public. And by "pants" I don't mean they put pants on you. NO STAINED, I mean they pull them off. It's sounds unbelievable I know, but it happens. Like I said, I stopped with the undies in seventh grade, that was 1995. The attempts to stop pantsing me didn't cease until late 2003. I attribute this to a few factors:

One: I have accumulated a fantastic collection of quality belts and belt buckles. A tightly cinched waist is you first and best form of defense.

Two: My patented "A-Frame" manuver. As soon as you feel someone tugging, spread your legs into an A-Frame and the pants will have no where to go.

Three: Show people your genitals and ass so much they stop trying because they realize the good stuff is coming out eventually.

I specialize in numero tres.

Moving on to your specific issue, the pee-pee staining. Sure, we've all been there. You make a little number one and you don't take the time to make sure all the lemonade made it to the pitcher. You zip up and BAM, there's is visible evidence of human waste right there on your pants. Very embarassing. I could tell you to just shake as vigorously as possible each and every time you drain the snake, but here's a better idea:

Always wear a condom. Think about it, if your pen15 is securely wrapped in latex, HOW COULD ANYTHING GET ON YOUR PANTS?! It stops Tijuana Toothpaste from making it to her egg farm, it'll work for the golden river. Just always have a fresh one ready to go when you need to go. Take off the old one, do your dirty little business, then slap on a new raincoat and you're good to go! Plus, think of the added sexual benefits. Say you meet a woman, things are going great, you end up in the bedroom and howdy doody, you're ten steps ahead of her. Sure, you may have to explain why you're not wearing any underwear AND already wearing a condom, but women are understanding creatures. So there you go, your perfect solution. Write in next week for advice on how to best explain no underwear and a pre-party condom to a woman.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney,

I don't have a clue what to get my girlfriend for Christmas. Should I just go for broke and get a gift card? Please help!

-Running out of time in Runnemeade

Jeez man, I don't know what you're so worried about, Christmas is like ten months awa-- hold on one second my assistant Amy is handing something...It some sort of thin book, with boxes and numbers...oh boy.

Runny, we're in serious trouble. First things first, drain your bank account. Make sure you have every possible cent to your name with you when you go shopping. That way, if you run into a scalper selling tickets to Disney on Ice we'll be golden. They don't take Traveller's Checks which I found out the hard way. But let's get serious, we'd never be lucky enough to score DOI tickets. Ok, what do women like? Jesus Christ, I have no idea. I've known my wife for six years and have no clue on what the FUCK TO GET--hold on a hot second. I've got an idea, the one thing women love more than anything else is watching women who are less attractive than them humiliate themselves! So we go Curves with a few Entemanns, lure them outside...wait, no. Forget it, I just realized how long it will take to build the cage I had in mind.

Alright, alright, DON'T FREAK OUT, we'll think of something. Ok, let's think practical. Some sort of bathroom product, from that guy with the beard who's always yelling. Shut up! I'm just thinking outloud. Ok, ok, ok, candles...lots of candles. With all kinds of scents and whatnot. Yeah, that's gold. DAMNIT. The dorm where we live forbids lit candles.

Wait, wait, I got it: gift cards. What? Oh, fuck. Alright, shit, fuck...hold on. Let me call my mom...it's ring--Mom! Mom, hey it's Cag. Yeah, yeah, no I didn't see it. No, because I don't watch that show. Well, I'm sure it's great but--no, I watch something else at that time. Yeah, it's just some show I like it's--MOM! Ok, Ma, listen; What should I get for the wife this year? No. No. Because I've been busy. You KNOW this is my busy time of year, ok? I don't care how much free time my cousin has, I like my--no, I run the show here and--Jesus Christ that was eight years ago Ma! It might be time to--alright, fine. FINE. I'm hanging up, no, yes, yes, no. Tell dad--tell dad--NO MA! I'm done. I'm done. Bye. Love you too.

Fuck. No, she went with candles too. Alright, there's gotta be some website or something. Hold on, I got it. Adult gifts. A little something for everyone right! YES! Up high brutha. You know it! No, totally. Just get a "one-size-fits-all" type deal. I'm gonna check out this "Love Swing" and something called a "Ball Clamp".

Hope that helped.