Bad Advice 4

My darling Cagney,

What do guys feel about sex on the first date? From the male standpoint, is it totally awesome that we've clicked so quickly, and the sex is just a natural happy progression? Or do you think we're easy and lose interest now that you've gotten into our pants? Or, perhaps we're both awesome AND easy? Do let me into your crazy guy minds... and hurry, because i have a date coming up.... lol...

-Horny in Horsham

To be honest, I can't really speak for all of guy-kind. But if I were to guess, I'd say that every guy on the planet feels that sex on the first date is AWESOME. I'd go so far as to say FUCKING AWESOME, but I wouldn't want to put words in any of my fellow man's mouth, especially if your vagina is already there. Seriously though, it's circumstantial. For my own purposes, I think sex on the first date (which we will, from this point, refer to as Sotfd) is risky. Say you go out with a girl, you have a great time, really connect and later that night feeling like you met someone good, you bump uglies. Now, satisfying as that may have been, you run the risk of finding yourself immediately in a relationship. I don't care who you are, sex up's the ante of any form of relationship. As casual as you care to keep it, most people can't help becoming connected to the person they're exchanging fluids with. It is because of this that you may find a girl attached to you way too quickly or vice-versa. You give her the impression you want to be that connected. So now if she turns out to be a fucking lunatic, also known as Height 8 Syndrome (EIGHTS TO THE WALLLLLLL!!!!!1!!!11!!), it's ten times harder to break things off. Now that we've got that out of the way, you wanted to know whats on guys' minds. Well, here it is, the big secret. What's on guys' minds is: "SHUT. UP." Stop thinking so much, stop caring about what's going on in our head! Here's a secret, when there's something relevant to you in our head, WE'LL EXPRESS IT. This is because men say what they think, rather than expect others to infer in or GUESS it. So back to Sotfd, either do it or don't do it. It's all in the girls hands. He might think you're a whore and be done with you or you could end up being the new Brangelina. It's a trial and error sort of thing. If you think it's worth it to find out, do it. Oh, and if you found that none of this helped, ask your date what he thinks of Sotfd...I'm sure he'd love to answer.

Hope that helped.

Hey Cags,

I feel in need of your expertise...You know that "Know how I know you're gay" game?? Well, all you do is say "Know how I know you're gay?", then you elaborate. Like "because you like Coldplay" or something. Well I was winning this game as usual before my competition said "Know how I know you're gay? Because you like Bjork." Now this hit kinda close to home. Yes, Cag, I do like Bjork. She's good! And when I think about it, I kinda like Fiona Apple and Tori Amos too. Now, I'm not a chick rock kinda guy ( I don't think ), but I'm starting to get worried. Say I'm just walking around in my Ani DiFranco shirt just like any normal Sunday, and some dude assumes that I'm into penis and says "Lookin' for a good time?" I mean, I can't handle that. I'm a man's man, I mean, c'mon. I can't really think of a way to phrase my question, but, can you help me with my situation. How do I make everyone KNOW that I'm solely a vagina lover?

Thanks buddy,

-Love Chick Rock But Not Into Cock

Ok, the last part of your question was asking how you can make everyone KNOW that you exclusively love vagina. That's easy pal, go up to every man you see and take out your penis. Go ahead, do it now for practice. Ok, Tower of Power in hand? Good. Now, with your member in your mano, tell any dude you see that "THIS IS MY LOVE STICK AND IT'S ONLY FOR THE BITCHES!!" Now, I know what you're thinking. "Bitches is a little harsh isn't it Cags?" You're right LCRBNIC, it is. Normally I loathe such derogatory language in reference to women, but, as men we know that the stronger the words, the easier we'll take the statement seriously. Ok, that's step one. Next, go up to every woman you see (with your Dragon Tongue still in hand) and say to them, politely and calmly, "Ma'am, this is for you and your vaginal canal." I'll leave it up to you to poke or prode the woman to drive home your message. Some women will be offended and disgusted LCRBNIC, but don't worry, that means they're lesbians and they have every right to be. Apologize and move onto the next one.

So where does that leave your love of Lady Rock? Right where you left it buddy! Be proud of your musical tastes, no matter what they are. I dig the ladies too. Just this morning after "Tidal" by Fiona Apple, I began 24 by Tristan Prettyman. And yet, some of my favorite bands are AC/DC, Audioslave, and the Foo Fighters. You see, it's important for humans to have diverse tastes in music. Not only to be able to appreciate a multitude of styles, artists, and genres, but also to develop a strong understanding of sexual equality. Now put away your penis.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney,

1.) i need to quit my job before i leave in july, but i also have all my vacation time left. i really only like 1, maybe 2 people here. any ideas the best way to make an exit, while still maintaining a few bridges?

2.) last night, my cat started eating nails, not my friend Kat, but my furry four-legged friend (wow i'm glad i said four-legged) anyway, what can i do to get her to stop, or should i send her off to the circus to pursue her dreams? no rush, just bored at work and any quality entertainment would be appreciated :)

i almost forgot, for the work-related advice question....the person who started today and has the desk closest in proximity to mine, has a very distinct aroma of dog food. The wet kind. Actually add in the mix of a wet dog too. I'm not even 100% positive that a saturated Lassie isn't sitting on the other side of that wall, but in case not, I need your help. I'd rather dig my own eye out with a spoon than have to smell that all day. Please help. Thank you for your assistance.

peace and hammocks,
-P.U. Purina.

As I've always respected the arrangment and order of numbers, we'll start with your first question first. So...you're leaving and you've got vacay time left. What I would do (and since this is MY advice column, it's always going to be that way) is work everyday until you can fill in the remaining time there with your vacation days. But better yet, tell no one. You're quitting AND moving right? Well fuck them, they are OUT. Just because you're moving on to bigger and better things doesn't mean you have to maintain bridges with people who suck so bad that you only "like" them. Go to that bridge, soak it in kerosene, take a big gulp of grain alcohol, light a $100 bill on fire and spit-flamethrower that bitch. Now, take a step back. That's fire and it's dangerous. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's never look back, especially at people, they all fucking suck. Now, lets move on to your second question. Ok, so your furry feline friend is eating nails. My first thought would be for you to buy cat food so the poor thing doesn't have to resort to eating metal and she won't have to purrrrrrsue (I'm clever) a life in the circus. If that doesn't solve your problem, take your cat to work and set it near the Dog-Food Man. Your cat should start vomiting in terror AND disgust because of the scent of it's most hated enemy's.....food. I'm assuming Dog Food is made up entirely of cat meat. So, the cat's vomiting up all the nails and everyone knows that when you throw something up, you can never really eat it again. As an added bonus, Dog-Food Man will be so grossed out, he'll request to be moved or quit. Oh, and you can use the regurgitated nails to build........a deck.

Hope that helped.