Bad Advice

Hello there and welcome to Part One of our 243987342nd part series of advice, given by Cagney Brennan (Idious Erecti)

Dear Cagney,

Just out of a long term relationship... has it been long enough to seriiously date someone? Am I just clouded by stupidy right now... DO I stay single for a long time then settle down, or am I even that young anymore to be acting like an asshole... I am sure its fine for a guyt odo , but you reach a point as a felmale where slutting it up... is no longer attractive.... or when you think he's really the one... how do you know, since I've been worng what like 3 times now...

-Perplexed Paramour

Ok, good questions, first and foremost let me give you this advice: Open up a word document. Go ahead, I'll wait. Now, there is something up near the top of that page called a "toolbar". Find it? Good. Now, click on the word "Tools". Do that now. Ok, now, click on "Spelling and Grammar"...wait...now...FUCKING USE IT.

Now second piece of advice. Girls should never, ever stop slutting it up. Period. Never scare me like that again. The last part is simple. Paramour...relax. Whatever feels right, do. Don't sweat it. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. If it does, I'll dance at you wedding.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney,

There was this guy from college, we'll call "Boz". We dated for a semester freshman year and then we broke up. Boz took it pretty hard...from throwing a phone into a wall above his roommate's head to writing my name followed by a line from a scary movie on his wrists to increase his anger level for sports. I know I fell for a couple of his friends, and even his best friend at one point, so am I to blame for his behavior? It has been SIX years since then and he still can't get over it. I just wish Boz could realize that six years is a long time to get over someone. Can you help?

-Over It In Omaha

I'll answer your last question first. Yes... I can help, because I'm the body that rocks the party. Now to the meat of the chicken: Yes, it is your fault. You're very charming and can hold men in a swoon most women would kill for. Yeah, I realize I just ended the last sentence in a preposition and you're going to have to fucking deal with it. Boz is obviously in love with you or your excellent sexual prowess because otherwise he'd have moved on to several other women with equally loose morals. Don't let Boz's inability to move on from you affect you in anyway. I know you care, but it's his life and his problem to deal with. One day he'll roll off of some dead prostitute and think "Hey, maybe I should start getting on with my life." In the meantime, live your own. Start doing things for you without being concerned about him. Try moving to the center of the country or get married or engage in smoldering passion with his best friend. These are all things that will make you happy and, as a side benefit, help him to move on.

Hope that helped.

Up next, we have a serious, heart-felt question.

Dear Cagney,

Ive thoroughly enjoy every song kelly clarkson has ever put out?....thats ok right?...is that why im still alone? Im Da Police, King Kong aint got nuttin on me

-Kelly's Copper

Let me first point out that you have three, yes three, question marks in this letter and only two questions...that doesn't add up Mojombo. Also, if you read the first "sentence" enough times, blood will start coming out of your eyes. "Ive thoroughly enjoy"........what the fuck are you talking about? Your complete disregard and disrespect of punctuation is all at once frightening and sickening...now to your advice. Yes Copper, it IS ok to enjoy the music put out by Miss Kelly Clarkson. I myself love this young lady and her power-pop ballads. In the car, in the shower, or at the club...Kelly has a hold on my heart that only Shakira could break...and will break. So, go on and rock out with Miss Clarkson, because she's smokin' hot, a great singer, and a lot of fun.

As to your second query about the source of your lonliness, no, it is not your taste in music. However, I'll refer you back to your frightening and sickening disregard and disrespect of punctuation.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney, I am a nice person. My friends, my mom, and my little sister all think I'm hysterically funny. I like videogames, and I won't yell at a guy if he'd rather watch the game than cuddle w/ me because chances are, I'll be lost in a book, and then everyone is happy. NOt to brag but, I am good in bed.

So why do I repeatedly get screwed over? Why would a guy tell you he loves you when you try to break up with him, then one week later, tell you he doesn't want you?And how do you figure out who the nice guys are?

-Wanting in Warminster

Once again, I'll answer the last question first. Finding the nice guys is easy CJ, here are some no-question, tell-tale signs of a truly nice guy worth dating:

First of all, he'd be a big guy, tall (6'3), with plenty to him to love if you know what I mean. He'd have brown hair, blue eyes, probably thick nerdy glasses, and be a good dresser. Not flashy, but a nice dresser. He'd also have a lot of friends, because at our age it's no longer about being popular. People with a lot of friends have a lot of friends because they are good people. So look for a guy who is always surrounded by men and women alike. He'd like nerdy stuff as well. He's probably really into comics, most especially Batman, and video games and still gets excited to watch cartoons.

Oh, and he'd also be 26, single, willing, and VERY interested. As to why a guy would say he loves you one week and take it back the next, I'll start by removing gender from the equation. See, women do this as much as men do. I know, I've had it done to me, I know ladies who've practiced it as well, it's a shitty thing to do but sometimes, it's the truth. You said you were going to break up with the guy right? Well, maybe he wasn't expecting that. Maybe the shock of those words, that situation, put him in a frenzy to keep you with him until he had time to assess the situation and decide things on his terms. So he says something powerful like that to slow you down to give him time to think. Then, when he finally does think about it and realizes you aren't for him, he tells you. Like I said, a shitty thing to do, but that's life Wanting.

Someone wise once said "Love is a minefield, you take a step and you get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step." I guess thats human nature. It hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow-up than be single. So forget about Mr. I'll Love You For This Week and keep looking for a guy that will make you happy...until you're ready to get rid of him, which hopefully will be never.

Hope that helped.