Bad Advice 5

Dear Cagney,

I can't decide what colors to paint my new house. Advice?

-Regarding Rainbows


They say taupe is very soothing, but I'm partial to Purple (Lavander in particular) myself. Pick a color that will set you apart for the pack, something that really screams "MIDDLE CLASS WHITE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Like...let's say gray! Or get even crazier with a light blue! If you want an example from my own life, I can give you one. When I bought my home, a three story Tudor with three bedrooms, kitchen, living room, dining room, finished basement, and 2 baths, I didn't know WHAT to do with it. So I looked into my heart to see what I should do. Upon finding that there was nothing there, I sought out comic books and painted each room in dedication to a member of the Justice League. Now, my bedroom is Black and Gray for Batman, the living room is red and yellow for the Flash, both bathrooms are Orange and Green for Aquaman, the dining room is various shades of green for the Green Lantern and so on...

By using my home as a means to express myself, I've lowered my, and the rest of the neighborhood's, property value significantly. GET PAINTING!

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney,

My wedding is fast approaching. I was wondering if you could give me your opinion on what sort of lingerie to wear on my wedding night? You sound like the kind of guy who knows a bit about textiles from around the world and I'm sure you are given a profound level of respect when it comes to your opinion on the qualities of different fabrics. What do you think?

If you called me back that summer I would have married you,
-Looking for Lingere

You're absolutely right, I am quite the expert on women's fashion so with that being said, I have a question for you: WHY ARE YOU THROWING THIS IN MY FACE!? GOD, AFTER EVERYTHING WE SHARED TOGETHER AND EVERYTHING WE MEANT TO EACH OTHER, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO THROW IT ALL AWAY!? I LOVE YOU GODDAMN IT! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS NOW!? YOU FUCKING BITCH, LETS WORK IT OUT! NO WOMAN COULD EVER MEAN MORE TO ME THAN YOU LfL!

LfLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

If that doesn't work for you, black satin is a classic that no man will ever be unaffected by, add a garter and stockings and it'll rock his world. Also, build a time machine to go back back to theat summer and LEAVE A GODDAMN VOICEMAIL.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney,

What am I going to do without my weekly Jack Bauer fix? What happened to my cousin Dan? I got All-Star Batman and Robin Issue #4. I liked it. Batman lived in the cave and ate rats?? I'm no Batman expert but I'm pretty sure that's the first time that little nugget of Batman lore came to light.

May the Peace of Lord Jesus Christ be with you,

-Nerdy in Norristown

Dear Jerry,

The 24 finale was excellent and I can't wait for next season. Yes, it is a bit dreary not having Mr. Bauer around ever Monday to bring sunshine, bullets, and neck-snappings into our lives. But Jerry, we must keep moving until his return. As I ask myself everyday, What would Jack do (WWJD)? And what Jack would do, is pistol whip you and tie you to a radiator for being such a crybaby.

Your cousin Dan, tragically, was killed in Vietnam. This is really strange because that war ended decades ago, Dan's passport is expired, and he hates foreign people. However, word on the street was he was looking for some Chappelle's Show bootlegs and there ain't no better place to get bootlegs than 'Nam.

As far as All-Star Batman and Robin Issue #4 is concerned, I liked it as well. However, this series has been a real chore for me so far. I feel I owe it to Frank Miller and Jim Lee to read this book because I've been such a big fan of both of them for so long. I'll give it this much, it's a take on Batman that's never been done before. It's almost insulting to say but, Batman's never had so much personality before. Gone is the monosyllabic, stoic knight in the shadows we know and love, and in his place is a Mickey Spillane-ish, cocky, foul-mouthed bad-ass. Miller has taken everything about Batman that makes him cool and multiplied it by a thousand, sure it's ridiculous to the point of being silly, but with so much serious melodrama happening in all the other BatBooks, it's kinda nice to let go and have some real fun.

Don't forget though, the "All-Star" line of titles for DC has taken everything out of continuity. Which means any creator/writer that hops on can ignore virtually all of the 70 year history of these characters. Potentially disastrous as well as potentially awesome. It worked for Marvel with their "Ultimate" line, here's hoping the same magic will happen for DC Comics.

Hope that helped.