Bad Advice 8

Dearest Cagney,
I haven't asked anyone out since 2003, nor have I been on a first date since 2003. I'm interested in someone now, but haven't a clue on how to ask her out and don't know where we'd go. I have a lot to offer. I have a great job. I own a house. And I have a dog named Taco. My question is, should I call my ex-fiance and ask her for advice?

-Mystery Man from Media

First of all, let me say congratulations on finding someone you actually like. In this day and age it's a rarity to meet someone new who you share enough with to develop a real bond. May I ask how you accomplished this? Was it Match.com or eHarmony? Just email me back...as fast as you can. So you like someone but haven't asked them out yet. Ok, this can be a nerve-racking situation, but as you've already smugly stated, you have a good job, a home, a dog with a dumb name...you vertainly have three things to offer.

If it were only one thing, or even two, I'd say don't bother until you have at least three or four things to offer a woman. You've got three, excellent, use this as your confidence booster.
Now, what to actually do. One thing to remember is that women love the chase. They love to feel desired and to be pursued. So one thing you can do is actually chase her. If you see her on the street or know where she works, start running towards her. If she starts to run away, don't worry, this only means she's up for the game. If you can manage it, catch up to her and tackle her to the ground like a cheetah tearing into a proud mama zebra. This is how it was done by our ancestors in the wild. She'll appreciate your classical sensibilties. Despite the whole "feminism" fad, the ladies still want to be treated as ladies M Cubed. Only a few refuse to shave their pits and open up doors themselves, but they're ugly anyway right? Right.

A bit too direct for you? It might be. You could always do what I do M Cubed, nothing. That's right, do absolutely nothing. Grow a deep-seated fondness for a girl, flirt and be charming and funny. Then, when the time comes to ask her out, kiss her, open up...don't. Just let it go. Afterwards, mentally abuse yourself for weeks. Drown yourself in a sea of Seagrams and Lion's Head Lager and one day when you see your Dorito-stained fingers closing around the trigger of your cop friend's service-issued 9mm, stop and decide to send one more text message just to gauge her reaction to hitting a bar together. If she still wants to get together, go out, get that good vibe going again, then do nothing. Let the whole process begin again. This is the time-honored approach of letting something go free to see if it comes back to you.

Remember, if she comes back to you, still do nothing.

I'll leave you with one final idea. If you like really like this dame, shave off all your body-hair. Then, combining that with glue, sparkles and macaroni, make a close appoximation of her face on a brightly colored piece of cardboard paper. Lastly, using your own blood, write "Love Monster" above her visage.

Upon re-reading your question, I realized I didn't answer it at all. Here's the answer to that: Man up and ask her. Then take her to the Continental Midtown (18th and Chestnut), followed by ice cream and a walk through Rittenhouse Park down the street.

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney, I find myself having a lot of free time and in need of a hobby. Got any suggestions?

-Help Me With Hobbies

Summertime is the perfect time of year to start a new hobby. School's out, vacations are in abundance and love is in the air. But something does concern me Carolyn. Judging by your name, I'm assuming you're female. And if that assumption is correct, why all the free time? I mean, is everything ok in the romance department? One wouldn't be hard-pressed to think that a taken gal wouldn't have a lot of free time. Her gentleman lover would take up that time. So is your real concern filling the void with frivolous hobbies or is it filling THE void with an albino cave-dweller...if you catch my meaning.
But, ya know what? I may be getting ahead of myself. After all, some hobbies are a good way to meet people. For example; BDSM. There are a lot of clubs and groups in the Philadelphia area that cater to the discerning fem-dom, spank freak, or leather/latex zipper-fucks. If that's a bit too extreme, try kites.

Picking a good hobby can't be forced. You can't wake up one day and decide "I'm going to love gardening." If you don't really love gardening, then think of all the time you wasted trying to convince yourself you did love gardening when you could have spent that time stepping on my balls with a stiletto heel. Which you may actually love. I'll try anything once.

My advice is to just observe life and see what pops out at you. Maybe you'll eat some tomatoes and think "I wanna try growing my own." or be sitting on a bench and wonder "Could I paint this park scene?" The point is your hobby must come organically or it'll eventually seem like a chore rather than a joy.

Fisting is another one that's gaining steam these days too. Think about it.

Hope that helped.