Bad Advice 6

Dear Cagney,

Ok, so I want advice, too!

I want to move to San Diego in two years. I hate my job here because I don't like working for the people I'm working for. I will miss my family and friends if I move, but I'll hate myself if I don't... Plus, as much as I dislike the way I'm treated at my office, I'm good at what I do and would hate to leave my friend from work to deal with all the bs. Plus I own a house here that's no where near paid off because I bought it a year and a half ago. Oh, and on top of that... my other job, a dance teacher job, the kids have begged me not to leave them. Silly kids and their guilt trips. Lots of baggage... what do you think?

-California Dreamin

First and foremost, I've long been an opponent of working at "jobs". Seriously, stay with me here. Take a step back and think about it for a second. Everywhere you look there are people doing "things". See that woman typing? She's doing a thing. See that older black gentleman behind the desk at the bank? He's doing "things". See that heavyset twenty-something white male performing fellatio on a homeless man? Then get off Moravian and Chestnut and run home. My point is, there are people all over the place doing these "things" and no one wants to.
Sure, you'll get a few folks who'll say they find "purpose" and "meaning" and "fufillment" when they do their "things" for money. Do you know what I call these people? Fucking morons, Fu-rons for short. These Fu-rons don't understand that the main point in life, biological human life is to find and eat food, and keep the species alive. Basically, lay around and eat until you find the strength to bang. You see, your question isn't "Should I move to California when I have all these extenuating circumstances?" It's "Why can't I just lay around, eat, and bump uglies?" Here's the answer: Life sucks. If I had that figured out do you think I'd be writing an advice column online in Batman pajamas with "Rear Window" playing in the backround? No. If that doesn't work for you, pay off the house, move to Sub Diego, and give life a shot there. There are new friends and children everywhere...I checked.

Hope that helped.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd NEXT!

Cagney,

Here's the deal. I really like this girl. I know she's been seeing this guy, who just so happens to kind of be a freind of mine, for almost 2 years. Anyway, I've fucked her like 3 times. I plan on telling my friend, I swear. But I haven't. What do I do.

-Slutty in St. Louis

My first piece of advice to you would be to punch yourself in the genitals for misspelling such a common word as "friend". Remember, "I" before "E" except after "C" or if you're a Fu-ron (see above)...which you most certainly are my mystery "freind". Also, questions end in QUESTION MARKS! IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE GODDAMN NAME. Now to your dilemma. It's obvious you care enough about your friend to want to tell him. That's shows real courage and conviction and I commend you for that. By deceiving your "freind" for this long, it tells me you never meant to hurt him, which makes you a true "freind" and a great person. However, you're in a pretty precarious pickle. Your "freind" might not be able to see the noble attributes of someone who "Wanted but Didn't" confess to fucking an ex of a "freind".

So here's the plan: First, act like nothing happened. I don't care how many times your penis thrusted into that vaginal canal and eventually ejected your seminal fluid into that cavity, play it all off like you never opened the fly to her sunshine. ESPECIALLY when you're around the "freind" you so readily and repeatedly betrayed. In fact, be so casual and distant from the sweaty meat-slapping you did with your "freind's" ex that'd you could go so far as to say... invite yourself to his shorehouse for the weekend or...hug him and tell him how much you love him all the time. Remember though, you can never let on that you engaged in the primitive act of sexual congress with your "freind's" ex...at least until the person you created the "beast with two backs" with freaks out and tells on you.

Now when this happens, the only thing you can do is think for yourself. Don't let logic tell you to get a solid story with the person you made a cum-dumpster. Make up lie upon lie until you can barely remember your home phone number. When you are finally confronted by the "freind" that you so easily stabbed in the heart, feign sorrow and regret and insist that you always wanted to tell them but couldn't because the whore they used to date held you back. Being truthful and saying "I just wanted to keep fucking" would not be kosher, at least not yet.

Hope that helped.

Moving down the line....

Dear Cagney,

dear my hero......im in a quandry......a friend of mine and my roommate's is throwing a little bash in his honor friday night, the 24th such celebration of his life....he is a big fan of mine and it is always a goodtime........but the two of us also receieved invites to go to Los Angeles for the weekend, all expenses paid trip, to visit our very good friend, none other than...........Michael Popek. He invited us out there to watch his first 4 major motion picture features premiere, simultaneously, on the same screen....all the while drinking the original malt liquor beverage named after our good buddy himself, Mike's Hard Lemonade of course (no seriousy, it was named after him)........WHAT ARE WE TO DO....we are going to have to hurt one of our friend's feelings either way b/c as awesome as we are we cannot be on both sides of the country at once and if we go to the bday party, what should i wear??

-Lemonade Lover

All expenses paid? Then I recommend Green Tea and Hot Chocolate, it's a Blasian whore house in Los Angeles...very tasteful, no bush. After that, score a few free cases of malted, sugary, low-alcohol contented beverage and enjoy four movies you've already seen under different names. Your friend sounds like he'll have plenty of other friends who are more attractive and who are better with grammar to party the night away with...so there. If you do go to the party, a tasteful khaki-colored linen suit on top of a green or pink pastel shirt is perfect for Summer Affairs.

Hope that helped.

Last and certainly least:

Dear Cagney,

What do you do when you learn that your now ex-girlfriend began fucking a server at Applebee's the day after you broke up? Also, what's the proper way to tell the twat that you never want to speak to her again?

-Wanting to Kill a Waiter

First, I advise you to stop eating at Applebee's. I don't care how good the eating is in that neighborhood...that is NO way to tip a member of the food service industry. Let me just say my friend, I feel your pain. I once courted a young lass for many fortnights, only to find her in the arms of a Dairy Queen employee nicknamed "Hot Fudge". Yes, his banana split may have been a larger order than mine, and she may have let him put his nuts all over her whipped cream, but I had the last laugh WtKaW...because I took home my tiny novelty Phillies Helmet-bowl that day. I'm...I'm sorry I ran out of sexual innuendo...give me two minutes.

So you want to inform this "twat" that you never want to speak to her again? That's simple. Here's an exercise I think may help you. I want you to get out a pad of paper, get a good pen, pour yourself a stiff drink and write her a letter. I know it's old fashioned and a bit corny, but it's a perfect way to let it all out of you. Everything you hold in your heart and in your head about this girl, let it all flow into that ink, through that pen and down onto that page. All the bad and all the good, let her know what she threw away and let her know how you're going to get over it. Put that letter in an envelope, close it, and write her name for the last time on it's cover.Then tie that letter to a brick and throw it through her fucking windshield.

Hope that helped.