Bad Advice 9

Dearest Cagney,

I have noticed that recently my weekend activities have began to digress and mirror that of a 19 year old. For example, it is currently 1:00 am on a Wednesday, I am at a friend's house... drinking. Something tells me that this may be a mid-mid-life crisis. Though I am thoroughly enjoying myself, I am left to wonder, 'is this normal'? I doubt that it is, however I wanted your valuable insight. What is a girl to do? Should we continue this behavior or, should we allow ourselves to finally get some sleep before an open house? Also, are we definitively walking down the isle together? If so, we need to encourage this event as this would be one hell of a party.

Written and directed by,

-Paris' BFF

The mid-twenties are an interesting time, especially for our generation. While our parents were getting married, having babies, and buying houses, we seem to be doing keg stands, playing Guitar Hero, and perfecting our oral sex techniques (my newest move "The Plunger" is almost ready to debut). A lot of us feel a pull towards stopping this childish behavior and move fully into adulthood but at the same time are reluctant, if not completely unwilling, to give up the freedom and craziness of youth.
We're living longer which affords us more time to be "half-adults" by which I mean, a working, productive member or society during the week who turns into a drunken frat boy/sorority girl come Friday. How concerned can you really be if you abide by the main trappings of adulthood? Have a full time job? Pay bills? Pay taxes? Obey the law? Yes across the board? Then don't be too worried. For the time being.

Yes, there will come a point at which you will need to get your ass grown. Who wants to be 38 playing asshole in Moondog's mom's basement? I certainly don't want my greatest acheivement at 44 to be when I won the beer pong tourney at Schmidty's when I was 42. But that's then...we still have time. Is there anything wrong with wanting to settle down, get married, start a real adult life? No. It's great and I would say to all those boring losers to go for it, good luck. As for our behavior and whether it's normal or not, I'd certainly say the majority rules. I know far more single, working, weekend warriors than I do married "once-a-monthers".

So for now, hold onto your constantly fading youth. Keep playing drinking games that involve Nerf Dart guns and keep throwing up in toliets and keep sleeping on floors and...hmm...I need to grow up.

As for the second question you posed "Also, are we definitively walking down the isle together?", may I ask, which Isle? Sea Isle? The Isle of Wight? The Isle of Palms? I'm not sure where you mean and it really could be anywhere. Wait...awww...did you mean "aisle"? I'm not sure. While yes, I do know that the WGON traffic helicopter from the original Dawn of the Dead makes a cameo in the beginning of the remake and I know that when that dad in Scream says "Go down the street to the Mackenzies' house..." it's a direct quote from Halloween and yes the 1989 Batman was my favorite movie for most of my life...is that really reason to marry someone?
While I agree our nuptials would end up being the party of the decade, I can't agree with expediency in this matter. To rush into something as important as marriage is too risky. You should also know that I always wanted to marry a woman with strength, dignity, intelligence and love greater than my own and a willingness to blow me when I wake up and before I go to sleep everyday.

So relax, slow down, and let's take it slow. In the meantime, you can start by putting your money where my mouth is and coming over, lets say Thursday night. Prove it PBFF

Hope that helped.

Dear Cagney,

I'm in my early twenties and recently have come out of a long-term relationship. The truth is, I'm looking for a man to spend the rest of my life with. I'm young but I'm afraid I'm never going to get married. How do I find my future husband?
Help

-Wanna be a Bride

What a well timed question. But since I've already touched on youth, marriage, and rushing into what could be the most important decision of your life, allow me to focus the second part of your question. How to find your husband? There are many options, all viable. One sure fire way to score a husband is to get pregnant. Just sleep with a guy, tell him not to use a condom and BAM you've roped a guy into a marriage. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. First, you've got to attract your potential mate.

Guys love girls who are really confident. If you've ever been to a bar and have seen a girl with a shirt that exposes a great deal of cleavage, maybe even a little bra...that girl is brimming with confidence. If when she sits on her bar stool and her thong becomes visible when she leans forward...this is a girl of great confidence. If she wears sparkle lip gloss and demostrates her patented deep throat manuver on a Miller Lite bottle with the label ripped off, damn confident. If she insists that her and her best friend will hook up for shots...that's a tag team of confidence.

These are your tools Wanna, use them wisely.

While bars are the best places to meet the opposite sex, they're certainly not the only ones. The internet is a great place too. There are thousands of chat rooms bursting at the seams with eager, young gentlemen just waiting to meet Mrs. Right. Don't be afraid to be fun in there, role play even. Why not tell a guy you're 13? Just to spice things up? If you can get him interested in a 13 year old, think of how happy he'll be when it turns out he doesn't have to wait 5 years to be with you! I myself am really excited about a young girl I've been talking to: chrissyhansenNBC1.

While these are all great ideas, it should be noted that meeting and dating with the specific intention of finding your spouse is a little...well, stupid. You can't force it. If you date a guy for a few months and you really like him but you're not positive he's husband material do you just get rid of him and keep looking until you meet a guy who you're sure of right away? That's never, ever going to happen Wanna. Date, be open to any possibility, and be honest. Then you'll find someone lucky enough to marry you.

Hope that helped.